As a 32 year old divorcée with twin infants, I was, to the manosphere, "undesirable."
When I'd started dating following my separation, I'd already heard plenty of snarky comments: "No man will want to take care of someone else's kids." "You lost your desirability at 25."
These were the angry responses of men I'd rejected. I'd been open on my dating profile with my age, that I was separated/divorced, and that I had two small children. These facts hadn't stopped these men from swiping right initially, but once I rejected them, they let me know I shouldn't have been too hasty because, it seemed, they thought "no one" else would want me. They were "doing me a favor" was the implication.
This idea that "no man" would want me was a falsehood. I had no problem finding dates, and I'm remarried today to someone whom I met on a dating app. It's really not surprising that this is the case since most men outnumber most women on dating apps three to one.
But while I was dating, I kept hearing the same snarky comments from men regardless of how gently I let them down.
I've been married for years now, and as someone with no skin in the game, it's much easier to see why the manosphere and "Red Pill-ers" find divorce so threatening.
1. Non-traditional values mean a loss of power
The manosphere puts a great emphasis on "traditional" gender roles. Men are the providers and protectors, and women take care of the home and children. Divorce clearly disrupts this order.
Yet not many households today can rely on just one income. Things are just too expensive. Only 27% of all family households in the U.S. are currently single-income and “54% of those single-earner households receive assistance” and are “three times more likely to live in poverty [emphasis added by author]."
Unfortunately, following traditional values can put a family into poverty. But you know what traditional values allow men to do? It allows them to be in power and control. It can keep women dependent and financially unable to leave, which means it makes it impossible for them to leave if their "traditional values" male partner also happens to be abusive.
2. Divorce sucks for men
There's a lot of misinformation around about how divorce laws, alimony, and child support are biased against men. This absolutely was true over a decade ago when women were nearly always awarded full custody and alimony was very common, but that's not the case today. In fact, in many ways, the system has swung to benefit men more than women. But the important thing to remember is the only people who win in a divorce are divorce lawyers. Divorce sucks for both men AND women, but statistically, it tends to suck more for women than men.
Women have a higher risk of long-term decreased household income, poverty, and loss of home ownership. While I hear all of the time how "every woman gets alimony," it's actually only awarded about 10% of the time, and in very few states is there not a cap on the length of time.
I gained nothing in my divorce. The only "child support" I received paid for half of my children's daycare, and once they were in school, I received none. As a joint contributor to the finances in our household, I took what I was owed, and so did he.
3. Men are hurt.
From every interaction I had with angry men and every article or YouTube video I read or watched from the Manosphere on divorce, the main thing I gathered is that some men are very hurt. They're very hurt, and they have not done what they need to do to process that hurt and be able to move on from it. The best advice I ever heard was that if you get three free passes to talk about a problem. After that third free pass, you should be trying to move into some kind of solution. For me, as a person who's had awful break-ups and works with individuals going through awful break-ups
Just because you felt that your divorce was unfair or that you were mistreated (which could all be very real concerns) doesn't mean that's the case for all women or "divorce" as a whole. Some people absolutely should be able to get divorced. If your wife was beating you, I'm certain you'd want the freedom to legally end that relationship. Further, don't you want someone to stay with you because they love you and not because divorce just "sucks"?
I think men are against divorce because it means they'll have to face the reality that may have contributed to the end of their relationship. It may mean that they need to step up and learn emotional intelligence. It also means they need to process their own hurt and quit projecting it onto an entire gender or end of a marriage. Relationships are hard enough as is. Shouldn't we work to make them better? And instead of getting angry about divorce, can't we just try to have relationships where it isn't even a thought?