As a relationship coach, I work with couples on improving their connection, intimacy, communication, conflict-resolution, and division of labor. These are all necessary parts of a healthy and happy relationship, yet the Red Pill communities and thought leaders espouse beliefs about women and relationships that work against them. In fact, the only way I've seen that men can improve their relationships is to give up these Red Pill beliefs altogether.
I've seen Red Pill beliefs actually destroy relationships firsthand, and it's sad. In studies, it's shown that men and boys are lonelier than ever. Their mental health is not only on the rise, but under diagnosed. The Red Pill communities started as a way for man to band together against "the system," yet it's just created a self-perpetuating cycle: they're lonely and angry and want that to stop, so they reach out for help. The "help" teaches them beliefs which make healthy relationships impossible, so they remain lonely and angry.
If women are overvalued and men are undervalued, for example, why should men put any effort into changing? If feminism "ruins" relationships, then don't expect these men to do much around the house, right? If women "hit the wall" after 30 and are suddenly undesirable, shouldn't they cater to their male partners and do everything they can to stay with them too? If women are all unfaithful, then why should you trust them at all?
At its core, Red Pill communities espouse hatred toward women, and how can anyone expect to have a happy and healthy relationship with someone that they don't truly love and respect?
But, men are starting to push back because they're seeing how The Red Pill has destroyed their previous relationships or their chances of ones in the future. On "Former Red Pillerrs," you can read multiple stories on how men have come to the realization that these beliefs don't work or didn't when they attempted to follow them.
Red Pill dating advice focuses on control, that if the man is not "in control" of his female partner and her desires, then he's a "beta." But healthy relationships don't involve control. Healthy and long-standing relationships have trust, love, respect, and effort as their basis. An old married couple I knew always said this about marriage: "Each of you should always give 100%."
Relationships cannot be about power plays or power struggles. They have to be about negotiating and teamwork. Relationships that focus on power and control are abusive. In fact, the United Nations defines domestic abuse, as "a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner [emphasis added by the author]."
If men want to move away from Red Pill beliefs to foster a happy and healthy romantic relationship, here are some steps they may want to consider:
- Educate Yourself: Read books, articles, or take courses that promote healthy relationship dynamics. Focus on empathy, equality, and mutual respect. I highly recommend the book Couple Skills by Matthew McKay.
- Build Emotional Intelligence: Work on understanding and managing your own emotions (even anger!). Emotional intelligence is key to a healthy relationship.
- Foster Equality: While Red Pill communities will tell you that feminism is ruining modern relationships, feminism, at its core, actually benefits everyone. Women can have equal say and control in their relationships, and men can feel free to have their emotions and be vulnerable. Emotional intimacy is the solution to loneliness.
- Avoid Generalizations: Not all women are whatever Red Pill-ers will tell you. Each person is unique, and generalizations will just keep you stuck in certain illogical beliefs that hurt both your idea of women as well as relationships.
- Consider the Partner's Needs and Feelings: Focus on understanding and meeting the needs of the partner, and encourage them to do the same. Mutual care and understanding can lead to a more fulfilling relationship.
- Work on Self-Improvement: Focus on personal growth and self-improvement rather than trying to control or manipulate others.
- Seek Professional Help: Therapists, counselors, or coaches who specialize in healthy relationships can provide guidance on how to seek a healthy relationship and how to maintain one.
The journey towards a healthy and fulfilling relationship requires empathy, trust, respect, and a commitment to mutual growth. Red Pill beliefs, with their focus on control, power dynamics, and generalizations about gender, stand in stark contrast to these principles. They often lead to loneliness, anger, and the destruction of relationships.
Abandoning these beliefs in favor of a more compassionate and equal approach can be transformative. By embracing equality, emotional intelligence, self-improvement, and professional guidance, men can break free from the cycle of loneliness and anger perpetuated by Red Pill communities. The path to a happy and healthy relationship is not found in power plays or manipulation, but in love, respect, and a shared commitment to giving 100% to one another. The stories of those who have left Red Pill ideologies behind are a testament to the possibility of change and the promise of genuine connection. It's time to move beyond divisive beliefs and towards a future where relationships are built on the solid foundation of trust, understanding, and mutual respect.