How to understand, recognize, and deal with the subtle art of manipulation
Manipulation at play,
When one’s wrong confronted,
Refusing to admit fault,
Shifts focus instead to another.
An imperfect friend, a lover,
Used as a shield,
To deflect and avoid,
Own failings hidden behind.
They know your imperfections,
Your weaknesses, your flaws,
They hold them like weapons,
Ammunition to control you.
What you did, what you must do,
Becomes their focal point,
Your own imperfection,
A way to escape their blame.
The focus on you intensifies,
Your faults are under scrutiny,
Their own actions are forgotten,
Lost in a sea of your mistakes.
Hold firm, be not swayed,
Put the focus back on them,
Their failures, their wrongs,
Where it truly belongs.
They like knowing your difficulties,
Holding them over your head,
A power, a game,
But not one you must play.
Return the focus, the blame,
Back to where it began,
For in truth and honesty,
Lies strength to confront the dance of deceit.
...
In every society, across various cultures, there’s a subtle art of conversation that not many talk about — the art of manipulation. This isn’t about using fancy words or showcasing intellect; it’s about dodging blame.
Let’s look more closely at this interesting part of human behavior to find out how some people avoid taking responsibility by turning the tables on the person who is pointing it out.
The initial confrontation
When I was working at a fast food restaurant and in college at the same time, my crewmate, with whom I regularly swapped shifts, had ways of manipulating other crew members just to cover up her incompetence.
One time when she was 2 hours late for her shift because she had a hangover from partying the night before, I had to extend my shift even though I have classes to attend.
When I confronted her about it, instead of taking responsibility for what happened, she’d blame me for my past mistakes when I was a newbie and how I used to be so clumsy and she had to put up with me for a long time. In the end, I’d just apologize to her.
Why do people manipulate?
People manipulate for various reasons. Sometimes, it stems from an inability to handle criticism, and at other times, it’s a learned behavior that has yielded positive outcomes in the past. When one has been successful in deflecting blame previously, one may use this tactic repeatedly, making it a go-to strategy in difficult situations.
What’s being used against you: imperfections
No one is perfect, and everyone has made mistakes at some point in their life. Manipulators, however, see these imperfections not as shared human experiences but as ammunition.
Knowing about someone’s past mistakes gives them a tool, a weapon they can use to their advantage when the spotlight is on them. It’s as if they have an invisible quiver, always filled with arrows of others’ flaws, ready to be used at a moment’s notice.
How to steer clear of manipulation
Being on the receiving end of such manipulation can be daunting. Suddenly, the blame has shifted, and one feels like they are on the defense. It’s easy to get lost in the maze of past mistakes and lose sight of the original issue.
However, it’s essential to remember the initial point of the conversation and bring the focus back.
For example, if I fall into my crewmate trap, I might start defending my past mistake. Instead, I could say, “That was a different situation, and right now we’re talking about you being late because you didn’t control the amount of alcohol you consumed."
Taking back control
The key to dealing with manipulative behavior lies in maintaining the conversation’s control.
Here are some simple yet effective strategies:
1. Stay calm: Manipulators often rely on emotional responses. By remaining calm, one denies them the satisfaction of seeing their tactics work.
2. Stay focused: Remember the main issue and keep steering the conversation back to it, no matter how many times it gets sidetracked.
3. Acknowledge but don’t dwell: If a past mistake is brought up, acknowledge it briefly and move on. “Yes, I made that mistake, but right now, we’re discussing XYZ.”
4. Seek clarification: Asking questions can help. “How does my past mistake relate to the current situation?”
Why it’s important to recognize manipulation
Understanding and recognizing manipulation isn’t about winning an argument; it’s about maintaining healthy relationships. When two people can address issues without resorting to blame games, they pave the way for growth and understanding.
In a complicated world, it’s important to make real relationships. By recognizing manipulation and knowing how to deal with it, discussions stay honest and helpful.
Final thoughts
Manipulation, especially in conversations, is a crafty art. It’s essential to recognize it, not to point fingers, but to foster healthier communication. By staying focused, and calm, and using simple strategies, one can ensure that discussions remain productive and blame-free. After all, everyone makes mistakes, but it’s how we address them that truly defines our relationships.
Bella loves to write about life, psychology, and relationships. Click here to receive an email that guarantees you’ll get Bella’s newest stories delivered straight to your inbox.