I was a married single mother. I got divorced for a lot of big reasons (like substance abuse and theft), but even if those hadn't been in play, I very likely would have gotten divorced anyway. I was too exhausted, too overwhelmed.
I'd learned the painful reality that "50-50" was a lie.
I was making as much money as my then husband and working the same number of hours a week, yet I was also responsible for all of the childcare and housework as well as emotional and mental labor.
Whenever I tried to talk about this with my partner, it was a battle. He "provided" (even though we made the same amount of money). He "didn't have time" (though I didn't either, but somehow I made time, usually by cutting into my sleep or completely doing away with leisure time). He "had a tough job" and needed to "unwind" (in fact, my job was tougher, as found in multiple research studies). You're a "woman" (well, yeah, I couldn't argue that one, but why did that somehow mean I knew or was better at certain tasks? Why did they suddenly have to become my responsibility just because I was born a woman?).
It was a battle I eventually stopped fighting because it wasn't worth the headache, and I stopped fighting for our marriage either, because what was the point when I was the only one doing so?
While division of labor issues might seem like they’d be true in any relationship, they’re not.
In multiple research studies, LGTBQIA+ couples do marvelously better at dividing chores. They don’t have expectations for who should do what in their relationships, so things are divided more fairly. Even when they aren’t necessarily divided more “fairly,” (as in, one person in the relationship still takes on more of a specific task/job/part of the home), it’s often still viewed as more fair in the context of their relationship.
Why does it feel more equitable even if, for all intents and purposes, it’s not? Because it was an agreement the couple came to. For example, since the nonbiological mother in a LGTBQIA+ relationship can’t feed the baby naturally, she’d be the one to handle other tasks, like laundry or dishes.
Further, LGTBQIA+ couples just do better at communicating, which means that when tasks need to be changed or negotiated, they have ways and means to be able to do that.
Marriage Doesn’t Work for Women
The traditional marriage model doesn’t work for most families today. For one, it’s not possible for many families to live off of one income anymore. Only 27% of all family households in the U.S. are single-income (and “54% of those single-earner households receive assistance” and are “three times more likely to live in poverty [emphasis added by author]”).
The modern marriage model doesn’t work either. Women cannot “do it all.” They cannot work 40+ hours a week, making close to the same amount of money as their partners, while also being the only ones taking care of the children and the household.
It’s a scam, one that comes at high costs for women. Their mental and physical health suffer. Their careers suffer.
So What’s the Solution?
LGTBQIA+ couples can lead the way in helping couples rethink and reform their marriages into more egalitarian ones.
For one, there has to be an agreement on tasks completed in the home. Eve Rodsky posits one way of doing this in her book, Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live).
When my husband and I first got married, we sat down over several nights to figure out how to come to an agreement on our division of labor.
We chose to do a spreadsheet that clearly defined whose “job” a certain task was. This allowed us to have ownership and responsibility over certain tasks as well as to pick things based on our preferences. Not every task we’ll do is one we like, but we were able to figure out a way to make sure the majority of them are.
Our spreadsheet is color-coded based on frequency. Tasks that have the same frequency are weighted the same, and larger tasks are broken down into smaller steps (for example, cleaning the house is broken down into cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, etc.).
This is important since while “doing the dishes” daily might just take about ten minutes, that task takes up 70 minutes a week, while mowing the yard may only take up 45 minutes once a week.
Some tasks are split or traded off (for example, my husband might bathe one child while I might bathe the other, or he might start the laundry while I’ll fold). Other tasks might be outsourced (hiring cleaners, for example). Still others might be handled with the use of technology (like automating bill pay or purchasing a self-cleaning cat litter box).
And some tasks, we’ve learned to let go of for this season of our lives. For example, we’ve let go of sweeping the floors daily since we have 2 dogs and 3 small children, but we do keep the table tops and countertops clean.
As the parent with the more flexible schedule (my husband has a normal 9–5 and travels 20–30% of the time), I still take on a majority of the childcare duties. But like my LGTBQIA+ counterparts, while it may not be “fair” as in “50–50,” it still feels fair because we’ve agreed to it, and I know all the ways that my husband steps up for our family as well.
When we’d been successfully employing this spreadsheet for a few years, I shared about it on my social media accounts, and it quickly went viral. It’s not surprising why: couples who split chores more equitably have higher relationship satisfaction.
Since our division of labor continues to need to be re-negotiated, my husband and I make sure to talk about it every week during our “weekly relationship check-in.” If either one of us is traveling, has a deadline, is sick or stressed, or if our children have a pretty packed week of extracurriculars, etc., we’ll discuss how each of us may need to step up.
This is that part of better communication that LGTBQIA+ couples do better: Having an agreement in place as well as a structured weekly check-in gives us the opportunity of discussing what needs to be handled.
I’m grateful my husband and I today work hard to make sure our relationship feels fair. I want that for other married women because being born a woman and our marital status shouldn’t dictate what we do in caring for our home and our children.