I posted a picture of myself in a bathing suit the other day. Well, okay I post a pic of myself in a bathing suit almost every day. It’s not that I am trying to be vain, or an influencer. It’s just that I am trying to embrace my new glow. And okay okay, yes of course who wouldn’t want to be a bit of an influencer! I am right here if anyone wants to send me clothing, makeup, or other fabulous lady products! But, I digress - my point is, I am doing this for the glow. I am being the glow.
Because that is how I feel now. At 41. Finally. It has taken a while to get here but, I feel … dare I say it… sexy. And the funny thing is, I am newly single and I am just now feeling the glow of being all me, all the time. Maybe that is what sexy is. Maybe that is how sexy feels.
Women, it seems, go through a lot in life and much of it has to do with putting other people first and suppressing a lot of things about who we are, what we want, what makes our heart feel free. As a mom, I am happy. I love it. I am so happy to be a mom and I am a darn good mom at that. I give the good talks, I have the real fun, I make the healthy snacks, I spent the quality time.
As a woman, I am blessed to be a woman, I love being a woman - but, it has been a journey to get to this place of actual factual self-love and that glow, girls, that glow.
I was one of those girls who never felt like “the pretty one” in high school. Despite the fact that looking back at my high school pictures, I was pretty nice looking! But this culture does not infuse girls with any sort of healthy sense of self-esteem or positive body image. I remember feeling like “the fat one” and being told I was the “fat one” by my circle of girl friends because I was a size 10 and they were all size 0-7. I remained a size 10 until pregnancy and birth and now I rest easy at an average, and pretty cute, size 14/16 - which is the absolute norm in this nation, despite what we might see in most media.
As a mom I do my best to model healthy behavior for my girl, my daughter, my female child in a patriarchal society. Times have changed but one thing has remained the same: the pressure on teen girls to do anything but love and accept themselves and their bodies and to feel healthy and at home in their own skin.
We spend a lot of time trying to please others in this society. Women especially. My own story is that I spent my 20’s and my 30’s trying to be me, trying to find me, but being so constrained by those in my life - in my first relationship my partner controlled the money and did not like to spend it on clothing, let alone femme fashion clothing of the type my heart longed for. In my second relationship, my ex-fiance loved femme fashion and my style, but had his own limitations - nothing too free, nothing too sexy, nothing too me. Now that I am on my own for the first time in my adult life, really I am free, sexy and me all of the time.
I can spend my own money on anything that I need and want to. I know the meaning of skills to pay the bills and I know the meaning of treat myself. When people met me now they tell me I am glowing. And I know it is because I am glowing. I am happy to be where I am in my life, finally and for real. Whatever comes next - career stuff, love stuff - I know that I will meet it as this new me, this more confident me, this free me.
I am here to testify that while so much out there is still sucking hard for women in this society, things hit differently when we embrace our glow. No matter what we have been through, there is another side.
Back when my ex-fiance left me I truly felt deeply abandoned, unlovable, afraid, and sad. And now, not even a year later, I feel the best I have ever felt in my life. I cannot be abandoned because I will never abandon myself. I am lovable just as I am, single or in a relationship. I am fearless because I fall down and get back up again and again. And I am joyful because no one can steal my joy again, no one can make me sad again.
Things feel different when we truly self-actualize. We can face it all and we can do so with style and grace, and if we feel so inclined, as I do, we can do it looking fabulous, femme, free and fashionable as well.
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