Now, I just made that statistic up. But doesn’t it feel right? To me it does. It hits home because my last relationship was probably 30% compatibility, 1 % mutual investment and effort, and the remaining slice of the relationship pie consisted of hope, denial, codependency, and routine.
From where I sit now - happy on my couch with my cat, I am really grateful for the experiences I have had being unlucky in love, as they call it. I wanted it to work, I tried, but without true compatibility, and I am talking in values here, in things we hold dear - like oh say, monogamy and trust, and respect and not cheating, right? And in other values about how people should treat people, the basics of what a relationship means, and what kindness and compassion look and feel like - these are major areas where a couple should have consensus!
I am not one to sweat the small stuff in life. If we like different music or movies, or if one of us is a vegetarian, one of us not, okay fine that stuff can be worked out and discussed and not make or break a relationship, really. But when it is major values about how to be in a relationship, and how to value your partner - that stuff has to be shared, respected, mutual and a joint effort. Mutual investment in the relationship is key. It is vital. It is the glue. You both have to want this thing to work, to grow, and to be this co-creation of a thing that works so well for the two of you.
In my last relationship I put in tons of effort. Effort into things like forgiveness, patience, acceptance, and hope that bad habits and painful things would heal. I overlooked the fact that I was the only one reading the books on happy couples, love languages, important relationship healing tools, and so on. I overlooked the fact that his effort seemed mostly concentrated on pretending nothing had happened, nothing was wrong, and ignoring the issues. We did not have the conversations we needed to have because he told me they made him think of the bad things that he did when in his belief system, ignoring them is the only way to move past them.
I trusted him on that.
And in the end, I should not have. But, that is the lesson. I learned what a person was really like. I learned the difference between what I wanted a person to be, or what I saw a person as being - the good heart, the kind soul, the laughter, the excitement of the love hormones, - and then what a person was actually factually really like - who he wanted to be, how he wanted to act, what mattered most to him (hint, it was not me, or us). And I think this lesson is vital.
When we fall in love, crazy stuff happens to our brains and bodies. We get high on it, right? We overlook a lot. We assume the best. We see the good. We brush the not so good aside, or sweep it under a rug. We want the good stuff to always be good. Meanwhile, in some relationships, that bad stuff starts to pile up until no rug can hide it - and it eats away at that little beautiful good good thing until it is gone.
It is hard to balance wanting to feel and be in love and having to keep a clear head, a strong mind, and a good set of boundaries but this is basically the summary of every book out there on healthy relationships and how to have one. When we love, we love like children - this is just how it goes, we put all of ourselves into this relationship and it is some vulnerable stuff. We want to believe it is protected, safe, valued and that we are seen and loved for it. But, this is not always the case. Hence, breakups. Hence, cheating. Hence, abandonment. Hence, giving up.
Love and relationships involve all of that good stuff - so by all means, love that good stuff, but also a lot of checking in with yourself and with your partner to see how the compatibility scale is going and to ensure you are both still at that mutually invested level of effort in the relationship. Relationships are supposed to bring out the best in you. Remember that. The best in you, the best in your partner. Not create a toxic stew of dysfunction, silence, shame, avoidance, hiding, and eggshells to walk upon. So, this checking in is important.
Ask yourself how you are feeling in the relationship. Ask your partner how they are feeling. Have conversations that are real. Do not avoid concerns or issues because you are afraid of conflict or breaking up - that right there is a pretty bad sign! Bring stuff up, have the hard talks, and know that this is what opens it all up so that you can both have the good stuff too. Joy, love, peace, affection, partnership - all of these things are built upon a foundation of safety and trust that come from knowing securely that you are in a relationship that has a decent and strong amount of compatibility and a decent and strong amount of mutual investment.
This is original content from NewsBreak’s Creator Program. Join today to publish and share your own content.