Are you living for yourself, or following the trend?
Us humans want to be liked. We strive for love, for emotional connection, for any form of relationship.
So much so, that according to psychologists, once we’ve set our sights on a group of potential friends, we adapt our behavior, our choices, and our attitudes, to match theirs — because that makes us more likable.
Auren Hoffman put it best:
“You think for yourself, but you act like your friends”
According to Hoffman, each of us falls victim to what psychologists call homophily, which can be characterized by the following behavioral traits:
- We set our sights on people we admire, we associate with, or who we want to be friends with.
- From there, we adapt our behavior to appear more appealing to those people.
- Once befriended, our habits, behavior, and thoughts are shaped by those we spend our time with.
Your schema of “normal” behavior is formed by what you see in your day to day life. So the more you spend your time with these people, the more you consider their behavior normal.
When you’re around your friends, it can be difficult to resist this new normal and the peer pressure it entails. And from there, we often perform actions which, on reflection, we don’t want to do.
That said, below are four key signs that you’re following the trend rather than living for yourself.
1. You Don’t Think Before You Act
Danish Philosopher, Søren Kierkegaard, recognized and closely contemplated the difference between living as an individual compared to as part of a crowd.
In his diary, he outlines that an incapacity for quiet contemplation causes us to act before we think and reflect. And, on this account, this causes us to lose sight of our true self and instead internalize the value and attitudes of others.
Crowds talk loud. Your friendship groups will make their values and ideals known — and, chances are, they will be accepted by the majority.
Contemplation and self-reflection, by comparison, are much quieter. They require you to think internally, on your own, about what you consider right or wrong — and in doing so, you are able to make decisions for yourself, rather than following the loud talk of others.
Just because somethings loud, doesn’t mean it’s correct. But if you’re not thinking for yourself, you’re neglecting your own values and ideals in favor of the majority.
“The most common form of despair is not being who you are.”―Søren Kierkegaard
2. You’re Afraid to Leave Your Comfort Zone
Most of us don’t like change. We fear new challenges and new experiences. We fear the unknown.
But who we are, what we desire, and what we value might not always conform to what others expect, or what we have experienced in the past.
In fact, maintaining your authentic self might require you to:
- Express yourself in a new light (one that might shock others, or is radically different to how people currently perceive you.)
- Act against the current, if the majority is doing something counter to your values.
These types of actions require you to have the courage to leave your comfort zone, rather than aimlessly following the crowd and maintaining a public image that isn’t really you.
Therefore, to act authentically, allow yourself that room for growth by nurturing the self-confidence to express yourself, whatever that might entail.
“You’ll never know who you are unless you shed who you pretend to be.” — Vironika Tugaleva
3. You Make Excuses
You and I are only human. We make mistakes, and we learn from them. We can’t hit it out of the park every single time. If we did, life would be pretty boring.
Thing is, we often carry with us an idealistic self-image. We perceive ourselves in a certain way — and we interpret everything and anything that happens to us in a way that aligns with that perception.
Psychologists call this confirmation bias — because we try and align our experiences with our biased self-image. And whenever we do experience something that doesn’t align with that self-image, we make excuses as a means to justify our actions and maintain our biased perception:
- I didn’t go to the gym today, because I was meeting a friend — but it’s okay because I worked extra hard at the gym yesterday.
- I didn’t do any writing today, because I needed a rest — but it’s okay because I’ll just write double tomorrow.
In reality, our authentic self is radically different from our idealistic self-perception. Because who we are is shaped by, and exemplified in, all of our experiences and choices.
Rather than making excuses for yourself, accept that you are you — warts and all. Be open with yourself. Do so by taking ownership of your decisions:
- I value my friendships and relationships over going to the gym today — so I decided to give my fitness workout a miss.
- I need some time out for my mental health, so have decided to rest rather than write.
It’s clear, then, that these choices reveal a lot about our values and desires — and shouldn’t be disregarded as errors of judgment.
In owning up for your mistakes, you're recognising that your true authentic self isn’t perfect — and that’s a good thing. Because often, by learning from them, the mistakes we make shape who we are.
4. You Define Your Successes By the Opinion of Others
Without clearly defined indicators, it can often be difficult to know how to measure our success. Because of that, we might use others to measure our own success. By comparing ourselves to them, and defining ourselves by the opinions of others.
This is counterproductive when trying to live authentically — because in comparing ourselves to others, we are, in short, adjusting our behavior to match the standards of others.
Instead, according to Fredrich Nietzsche, to live authentically, we must adopt the spirit of affirmation — we must self-evaluate our lives. Rather than comparing our actions against someone else’s values and success, we must instead measure our lives against our own values, thoughts, and desires.
Because, the truth is, a lot of people have unreliable measures of success — they try and put us down, in an attempt to make themselves look better. In evaluating our own lives, we will begin experiencing thoughts, feelings, and actions which we truly desire, rather than performing actions in an attempt to impress others.
The Takeaway
Us humans often adapt our behavior to match our friends and those around us. Because of that, it can be difficult to identify whether we are acting authentically, or following the crowd.
Good indicators that you’re not staying true to yourself include:
- Acting with little to no self-reflection or thought.
- Being too scared to leave your comfort zone, or stay true to who you are.
- Making excuses as a means to maintain a false and idealistic self-image about yourself.
- Defining your success by the standards of others.
If you’re falling down to these behavioral tendencies, let your values and desires guide your behavior. Take back control —
Start living authentically, cultivate the courage to leave your comfort zone, let yourself evaluate itself through itself, and go against the current.
I write about Self-Improvement, Life Lessons, Philosophy, Psychology & Business — to help you reach your full potential. To stay in touch, and to receive free and exclusive content, sign up to my mailing list.