by: E.B. Johnson
Even when our relationships end, there is always a little piece of our partners left behind. We find pieces of them scattered around our apartments. Their memories litter our recollections. Once someone has engrained themselves in your life, a part of them is there forever. Whether we like it or not, there’re some exes who never quite leave our minds. And for better or for worse, we’ll hold on to the memory of them for a lifetime.
The exes we never quite get over.
A while ago, VICE Canada sat down with a handful of people and asked them to recall the spouses and exes they would never forget. The answers were as varied as the relationships themselves, but they pointed to some similarities we can all relate to. Although our relationships end, there are some partners who stay with us forever. Some are good and are some bad. There are always important lessons to be gleaned from our time with them, though.
Transformative moments
Not every unforgettable ex comes with a lot of negativity or baggage.Sometimes, we encounter people who — even though they don’t stay in our lives forever — bring with them great transformation. The relationship with this ex results in a great personal transformation. It might come as a result of the breakup, or in spite of it. Either way, they help you to see some part of your life or self that you want to make sensational change to. They will show you this both consciously and unconsciously. In the end, they help you set higher standards in future relationships.
Meaningful experiences
We all go through serious ups and downs in this life. Sometimes we’re at a high and everything is changing in the best possible way. And sometimes, the opposite is true. When someone who comes into your life during a meaningful or challenging time, they bring with them new perspectives and new realizations. Even when it ultimately doesn’t work out (for the best), you look back at this time of vulnerability as an important turning point in your life.
Shameful relationships
You would be hard pressed to find one person that doesn’t have a relationship they’re ashamed of behind them. We’ve all been there. When we don’t love ourselves, or don’t know what we want, we settle for partners who hurt us and destroy us in a number of ways. Likewise, we can find that we reach for people who bring out the worst in us. Do you have a relationship you’re ashamed of? Maybe you allowed yourself to be treated poorly. Or maybe you treated the other person poorly and regret your behavior.
The first heartbreak
There is no heartbreak quite like our first heartbreak, and it’s one that our memories never quite shift past. When that first person takes the final step to end things, it can bring our sense of self and reality crashing down. There’s a lot of rebuilding that has to be done after our first heartbreak, but it’s also an important first step in defining healthier and happier relationships for ourselves.
The first love
No one ever forgets their first love. And, no, your first love doesn’t always go hand-in-hand with the first real heartbreak that tears you apart. Our first love holds an important place in our hearts. Your first love is the first real reference point of what it means to be vulnerable with someone, and what it means to care for someone outside of yourself. They also usually mark a lot of important physical firsts, which can also be special (and educational) memories.
1. Love yourself over them
The best way to kick-start the process of moving past an ex is to fall in love with ourselves to a greater measure than we loved them. Doing this, we often wake up to the reality of the relationship (and its many failures). That’s a powerful thing. Self-love enables you to take off the rose-tinted glasses, and look inward with a more honest and analytical eye toward what you want in the future.
Love yourself over your ex. It’s the best way to start moving enthusiastically towards a new future without them. You can value the memory of your former partner without needing to ruminate or tear yourself down. By falling in love with ourselves, we can value ourselves in that past place without holding on.
Move away from your ex. Whether good or bad, they are no longer a part of your life. Now is the time to look inward. Now is the time to celebrate your strengths and everything that you still have to look forward to. Allow your inner you to shine. Realize your authenticity and identify the shortcomings that were leading you to settle for relationships that weren’t really want you needed or wanted in the moment.
2. Get excited about the future
After we’ve healed and moved on, the final step is encouraging ourselves to get excited about the future that we’re manifesting. What do you still have to look forward to (beyond your ex)? What kind of relationship will you seek next? What is on the horizon as far as needs, expectations, and balance? Focusing on the future allows our creativity and imagination to roam freely. Given the keys to alternative possibilities, it makes us excited about our lives and our relationships again.
Give yourself something to look forward to and get excited about the future again. There is so much more waiting for you out there. Your ex was only one chapter in your life. Even if things change after they leave, they don’t have to be worse. As a matter of fact, they can become anything you want.
Begin visualizing a future you can fall in love with. The possibilities are endless. You are now free to pick the partner of your dreams. You’re free to pursue the career you want, or that big move you’ve been contemplating. Stop looking backward. Stop looking for something that wasn’t meant to be, and focus on what you can control instead. When we dwell on what was, we don’t give ourselves a chance to celebrate everything that’s still to come.
3. Allow your past to shift
Too many of us allow our pasts to hold us back from a happy future, and that’s especially true when it comes to our exes. How many relationships have you sabotaged because you were too caught up on your ex? Because you were too busy living in those times and comparing any current partners to that person? This isn’t a healthy way to live, and it won’t lead us to true love. If romantic love is important to you, then you have to embrace the future and stop living in the past of your ex.
Allow your past to shift and move away from you. What happened back then doesn’t have to define you now. That shameful relationship? It’s a lesson, not a path set by fate. Instead of laying out your pain like a map, put it on the shelf as the textbook that it is.
We have to stop allowing our past relationships to define us or to hold us back in any way. That only happens when we make a conscious decision to stop looking back and ruminating over things that we can’t change. If you have to dredge up old memories, give yourself a time limit. When time is up, walk away and find something distracting or fulfilling to do. Little-by-little, you will move away from your past as you dwell less there.
Putting it all together…
Are you still hung up on your ex? No matter how hard we try, some relationships linger with us for a long time. When someone comes into our lives at a vulnerable time, or they help us realize some truths, they come to inhabit a very important place in our hearts. While the memory of them may live within us, though, we can’t focus on it forever if we want to move on the right way.
Love yourself over your partner and celebrate your right to move on in the best possible way. You don’t have to pine over someone who is no longer committed to you. Allow your past to shift and stop looking back at places you can’t control. This will only drain you and take your eye off the future you’re manifesting. Distract yourself with joy. Laugh and connect with others when you’re feeling the pangs of a painful past relationship. The best thing you can do for yourself, though, is to get excited about the future. When we’re excited to move on, we get better at; we become more confident in who we are and what we want. Give yourself this gift so you can get over your exes and move on.
- Wynton, M. (2021). People Discuss That One ‘Big Ex’ They’ll Never Forget. Retrieved 4 May 2021, from https://www.vice.com