“Friendship is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
I have bonded with people who became my closest friends over the shared love for some activity, or through shared experiences. They enrich my life and we support each other through thick and thin.
And while some friendships can be toxic, healthy friendships can help you cope with stress more effectively, provide you support through the challenges life throws at you, and even enrich your romantic relationship.
Your friends might have radically different life goals and habits, making you realize that what seemed a good fit at first, may put you out of your depth a few weeks or months down the line.
Here is one question that can give you good insight into how a person thinks from the very beginning. It will help you draw your boundaries even if the answers aren’t what you expected, but you end up being friends with them.
1. What do you like to do while hanging out with friends?
I once met a lady at a conference who I immediately fell in love with. She was smart, funny, open-minded, and seemed to love her independence as much as I did.
We became friends, and later that evening, she asked if we could hang out. I was too smitten to say no, and when we met at the pre-decided location, my jaw fell open.
She’d chosen a restaurant so posh, I’d never seen the likes of it before. The walls were shiny white, glimmering with pretty floral decorations all over. The people inside were seated on rich velvety futons, all of them dressed in their finest formal wear.
In my baggy jeans, crop top, and sneakers, I immediately felt self-conscious.
I wanted to turn around and leave. But, my friend tugged me in and ordered a delicious meal. I was feeling so out of place, I could barely enjoy myself much. The worst part? The menu didn’t have the prices of the listed items, and I had no way of knowing how much the total amount would be.
When the waiter handed us the check, I had to bite back a gasp.
There was no way I could afford this, not even if we split half. Thankfully, my friend was gracious enough to pay it all by herself, but this outing was enough to make me realize this friendship was way out of my league. Either I’d have to buckle up and start earning ten times as much as I normally do, or I’d have to swallow my pride and let her pay for me each time we went out.
Later on, we tried going out for activities that didn’t cost as much, but the more time we spent together, the more apparent it became how much our upbringing and privileges were different. Turns out, we had very little in common except the sparks that had so generously lit up our first conversation.
How this question will help
The way a person answers this reveals a lot about how they spend their time when you’re together. It’ll also give you a fair idea about their hobbies, and whether you two will have a good time when you hang out.
It can act as an effective filter in who you choose to be friends with. After all, you don’t want to pretend to like some activity and then end up feeling miserable each time you hang out with them.