https://search.creativecommons.org/photos/8d73a6be-e104-4d63-b8e2-501d9596e863
A racist is what he was, a misogynist too.
Women were all “girls” to him. Mexicans were lazy. Blacks were lazy and stupid. Who knows what he thought of my group.
We were professional colleagues. Often when it was just us in an office together he would vent his hatred, his racist views, his misogyny, his horribly wrong ideas about others we worked with or cared for.
We were both doctors. Medical scientists. Expected to behave ethically, to know right from wrong, to treat everyone the same, render care to everyone equally regardless of ability to pay, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation.
Did I ever see him do differently? No, but then again I wasn’t really watching. Doctors, even most colleagues, work independently, in parallel mostly, leading a team of others rather than collaborating simultaneously in the care of a single patient.
But, as mentioned, Dave* would spew his hatred when we were alone. I also never heard him vent his views to a group. Too many witnesses I suppose. Dave was not stupid, nor was he lacking in accomplishments.
One-on-one though Dave felt free to rage. I’m certain he shared his views broadly, but always one-on-one.
So why am I ashamed?
In short, I could have done more and said more, but I didn’t.
When Dave spewed, I rebuked, but gently, professionally, collegially.
“Do you really feel that way dude?” I’d say.
or “That hasn’t been my experience.”
or “I don’t see people as members of groups but as individuals. Perhaps trying that will change your mind.”
I wasn’t tough. I was tender. Hoping perhaps that Dave would see the light.
He never did.
I didn’t shout, or embarrass him, or try shutting him down with counter arguments or threats of exposure. I played nicely in the sandbox with others, and with him. Never agreeing, never supporting, never piling on but never making it end either.
For this I am ashamed.
Why did I behave the way that I did?
I lived for a substantial time in the American South while married to a Black woman. I am a white Jew. Together we have a biracial son. I’d like to think that my racist views and behaviors are few and far between or even nonexistent.
But, is that really true?
I’m told that when white doctors see non-white patients they behave differently with them. They spend less time listening. They’re less likely to sit so as to be eye-to-eye with their non-white patients. They’re less likely to shake hands or introduce themselves. They’re even less likely to provide pain medication.
Have I ever done any of these things?
Not to my knowledge, but then again, I was never studied or monitored during my patient interactions.
So, the honest answer is “I don’t know.” I hope not, but I don’t know.
But, what I could have done, and should have done, and didn’t do, was take my colleague to task for his aberrant, wrong and hurtful behavior. I could have been, and should have been, far stronger than I was. I deeply regret this personal failing. My weakness, my failing, in this regard will NEVER happen again.
I’m ashamed. I will do better, far better, next time.
Please forgive me.
*Dave — not his real name