The joy of feeling satisfied without needing more
Photo by Felicia Buitenwerf on Unsplash
In recent years I’d become obsessive about driving for more in life. Success to me was always something bigger and better than I had already.
It existed somewhere beyond a distant horizon— to reach it seemed to demand greater effort, discipline, and resolve than I’d managed to muster thus far.
To feel like a success meant getting more than I already had — be that more free time, more money, or the trappings of material wealth and excess-accumulation. It meant having more than I might need, accumulating an excess or buffer that would signify that I’d truly made it.
Success as a provider meant being able to give my wife and kids anything they might want or need. I would only measure up to my own expectations if I were prepared to meet any unforeseen occurrence or expense that might befall us.
In my relationships, I craved illusive perfection. I wanted to feel like everything was on an even keel constantly, that happiness was perpetual and that nothing could ever knock things off track in my marriage, as a parent to my kids and in my wider family and friendships. Success in relationships meant playing my various roles better than I’d previously managed to.
Succeeding in my health and fitness demanded mastery of my diet and exercise with unflinching commitment and unshakeable resolve. My goals were tied to unrealistic ideals, targets that were over-optimistic for a mere mortal. I’d regularly feel like a failure when I didn’t achieve them.
I’ve come to learn that in most cases my viewpoint was skewed and my goals were simply unrealistic. They were grinding me down, making me feel inadequate and weren’t truly congruent with what I really wanted or needed to experience inner peace and fulfillment.
My definitions of success were skewed to an unhelpful extent towards excellence and excess rather than adequacy and the attainment of enough.
Part of the shift has been prompted by the effects of recent global turmoil on so many around the world who have lost friends, loved-ones, incomes, careers, and stability without warning. The shift has also come from experiencing the satisfaction, stability, and gratitude for knowing that in virtually every aspect of life, I have enough.
Enough is a blessing. Enough is to be treasured. Enough is all I need.
Never too much
In some circles, enough is practically a dirty word and an unpalatable concept.
In the excellent book ‘Stillness is the Key’ by Ryan Holiday, we learn of the extreme methods employed by Earl Woods in nurturing the prodigious talent that made his son, Tiger Woods one of the greatest golfers in history.
Woods Senior would subject his son to all manner of verbal and physical torments during practice sessions to help him become resilient, resistant to distraction, and to drive out weakness from his mind and his golf game. According to interviews, Tiger could always quote their safe-word — “ENOUGH” — if he felt unable to cope any longer and the abuse would cease.
Tiger claims to never have used the word. He and his father even came to refer to it as ‘the E-word’ such was their disdain for enough as a threshold that could be acknowledged to exist.
As Holiday reflects in the telling of Woods’ story, this reluctance to acknowledge that one could ever have enough of anything might explain his successes in golf, many of which demanded that famed resilience and an unshakable will to win.
It also might explain (if not excuse) the extent of the extra-marital misdemeanours and personal meltdown that destroyed his marriage and for many years threatened to do the same to his career. It seems that Tiger struggled to ever feel like he had had enough — of anything.
For some like him, enough is a dirty word.
Seeking more becomes addictive, and can fuel truly momentous achievements. When it goes too far and we are unable to feel satisfied, no matter how much we achieve or accumulate, the pursuit of more can drive us to destruction.
Seeking more can rob us of the ability to appreciate all that we already have.
The hungry ghost can never be satisfied no matter how much we try to feed it and satiate its needs.
Enough as part of a virtuous life
In the same book, Holiday — a practitioner and advocate of the philosophy of Stoicism describes the importance of enough to the ancient Stoics. Seneca, Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, and other stoic luminaries recognised that when we have enough, we have all that we really need to live a virtuous life.
“Just keep in mind, the more we value things outside our control, the less control we have”
— Epictetus
They recognised that when we fixate upon things that are not in our possession or outside of our influence then we surrender control of our own lives and strip ourselves of inner peace. If we spend all our lives focussing outwards, coveting, craving, and chasing what we don’t have and what we think will bring the elusive satisfaction we desire, we rob ourselves of the chance to appreciate all we have already.
Many of the founders of Stoicism were born into wealthy families or enjoyed wealth and privilege at points in their lives. This didn’t prevent them from recognising that material wealth and excess are not synonymous with happiness or peace.
“Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants”
— Epictetus
Epictetus reminds us that those who are truly fortunate in life are those whose needs have all been met. Once you have enough, there isn’t a linear relationship between greater accumulation and greater happiness. As this survey by Glassdoor and numerous similar studies repeatedly show — beyond a point at which basic monetary needs are met, further increases in salary have a limited impact on overall employee satisfaction.
More money and greater wealth don’t have a linear impact on happiness.
Photo by Fernando Brasil on Unsplash
Enough is enough
My dear grandfather would often be heard to say — “enough is as good as a feast”. I’ve learned over time that he was absolutely right and never has this seemed so true as it does right now.
You can feast and gorge yourself to the point of sickness, but once hunger is satisfied, there really isn’t any useful purpose in taking more. The same applies to all our basic needs, not just our hunger and thirst.
One person’s enough might seem excessive to others.
An income that would be adequate to support me alone, won’t provide for my blended family of six for example. Enough doesn’t necessarily mean ‘just enough to pay the bills and no more’. If peace and stability come from being able to save money regularly to provide for an uncertain future then of course your income needs will be more than just the bare minimum to meet your bills.
Similarly, my need to exercise to the point of building muscle and increasing my fitness might seem excessive to the person whose fitness goal is to take a daily walk and eat sensibly to maintain basic health. We all have different needs to be met.
Enough for each person means having the ability to provide the life we each need to feel fulfilled, stable, and at peace.
The same applies to those areas where I used to feel I came up short compared to my expectations.
In my relationships, I have enough. My friendships may be limited in number but they are enduring and rich in depth and loyalty. My marriage isn’t without its ups or downs, but it is fundamentally strong, devoted, affectionate, loving, and mutually supportive. My parenting isn’t flawless but my kids know they can depend on me for life and their best interests are always at the fore of my mind and my heart.
In terms of my health and fitness, I’m not likely to feature on the cover of Men’s Health magazine, my six-pack rippling, and my biceps bulging. I slip-up frequently and often have a couple more beers than I intended on a Saturday evening. But, I try and make more positive and healthy choices than regrettable ones.
I seldom quit on a workout I’ve committed to. I set stretching and uncomfortable fitness goals for myself and then push to achieve them. My efforts are enough and reflect a commitment to live as healthily as I can, respecting my body and doing all that I can to benefit my mind too.
Summing up
Choosing to be satisfied with enough has been a freeing thing. It was prompted through circumstance and global events of the recent past rather out of personal meditation and reflection. Sometimes it takes radical outside events to force a change, but the effect is the same nonetheless.
Certainly as many in the wider world and among my close circle of friends face into a loss of income, health, and associated challenges, I’ve felt very grateful that the effects in my own life have been minimal so far. It’s hard to contemplate how the world will ever return to operating how it used to. I’m much more inclined to accept what we have now is the new normal.
I still have goals and a vision for how I want my life to be. Being satisfied with enough doesn’t prevent me from having ambition or a desire to stretch and grow. What I now feel is a greater sense of completeness as I evaluate my life right now. I’m able to reflect on all that I have and to feel ever more grateful for all my blessings.
Success then is (and always was) in my grasp. I just had to realise that it comes from realising I have enough.