What is love and what are the signs that you've found it?
Photo by Alex Martinez on Unsplash
There can be few topics so widely written about as love.
In song, poetry and prose some of the world’s greatest artists and philosophers have shared their interpretations of what love is, how it works and the effects it can have through its presence (and absence) in our lives.
One of my favourite quotes on love appears in the opening titles of the film Love, Actually. Spoken by Hugh Grant in his role as the quirky British Prime Minister, and spoken over scenes shot in the arrivals hall at London’s Heathrow Airport, the words strike me every time:
“It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there — fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends… Love actually, is all around”
-Prime Minister David, played by Hugh Grant in Love Actually
I’m not the world’s biggest romantic, but I believe in love and the power it has to improve the world. I value its place in my life. Over the last few days I feel I’ve reached something of a personal epiphany about love that compelled me to share my thoughts with the world.
In its various contexts and capacities love can mean many different things to many different people. Few emotions seem to share this contextual meaning to quite such an extent. If you’re angry, jubilant, frustrated, jaded or enthused then it feels pretty much the same, regardless of what prompted the emotion to arise within you. Love, on the other hand arises from numerous places, and towards many different people and in each context there are subtle but significant differences. The love of a person for a blood-relation feels different than the romantic love that is embodied in a marriage, for example.
For some, love is characterised by companionship and closeness, familiarity and comfort in the presence of another. For others, love means support, unconditional acceptance and being bonded to someone who is intrinsically part of their life and their being. Others-still equate love with romance, excitement, passion and obsession.
In each context I suspect that love equates to a blend of numerous feelings. Certainly, from my perspective, that would be the case. The love I have for my parents, my kids, my wife and my friends is subtly different in each context. There are commonalities though, that became evident to me in the last few days. More on that in a moment. First, a little context.
My wife and I have been married for approaching 4 years. We were each married previously, and each brought two kids into our blended family. As veterans of one divorce each, and with a number of other failed past-relationships between us I suspect that the odds were statistically-stacked against each of us having either the persistence or belief that we could eventually find a loving relationship again. Nonetheless, we met, and with our relationship flourishing and eventually progressing to marriage I feel that we’ve overcome those odds to create something special between us. Our relationship is loving, supportive and fulfilling (or at least, that’s how I feel!)
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
For my part, I’ve always viewed my wife with admiration, appreciation and affection for I value the many great traits and characteristics that make her who she is. I consider myself blessed, not just for having met her, but for having met her at the point I did in my life. It was the right time for us, when I was the best version of myself to bond with the best version of her. I’ll never lose sight of the serendipity and perfection of that timing.
The realisation that I’ve reached this week in regard to the meaning of love, is the embodiment of a trait that I’ve long been aware of. I just don’t think I truly appreciated it before in the context of my love for my wife to the extent that I now do.
I think it was my Father who once told me, when referring to his love for my Mum (probably at a point when I was lamenting the failure of another relationship) that he saw love as something that could be identified in its existence through one very clear measure. To paraphrase:
“When you truly love someone, you will do absolutely anything and everything you possibly can for them, without question or expectation. That is unconditional love.”
I’ve never doubted that my wife felt this way about me before, but perhaps this was at a superficial level in the same way at times we can all take for granted that our partner feels attracted to us, our kids rely upon us and our friends enjoy our company. I would never have doubted that she was always willing to be there for me however I needed her, but never before had I realised the extent to which this desire and willingness was engrained within her.
My eldest daughter (born of my first marriage) is coming to the end of her first year of University overseas. In a recent, unfortunate (but potentially avoidable) accident she fell off her bike one evening and broke her ankle. The inevitable frustration, angst and worry that followed in the week or so after the accident were to be expected. I’m pleased to report that the injury itself was the only consequence of the accident (aside from bruised-pride and a little additional expense for taxis and painkillers to nurse her through the last few weeks of term). All-praise for health insurance.
A week after the incident, an x-ray revealed that my daughter would need surgery to install a metal plate and some screws to bond the break in her ankle. Where she’d previously managed alone, with the occasional favour from friends it was clear that a bit of close parental-supervision was called for in the run up to and immediately following her surgery. As such events tend to unfold, all of this came to light and needed resolving in the space of a few hours one Sunday morning.
Without a thought for herself and driven (I suspect) out of a desire to help me, her step-daughter but fundamentally driven by love, my wife offered to fly out to spend a week helping my daughter. The implications of this are not-insignificant.
It meant being away from her own two kids (the youngest of our clutch) who rely on her presence and who she’s accustomed to being around for most of their lives. It meant having to make up a week of time in her own job at some point in the next few weeks, sacrificing her own free-time.
Most significantly perhaps, it meant putting herself through the significant personal discomfort and anxiety of flying out to mainland Europe, alone; I haven’t mentioned that my wife has a deeply engrained fear of flying.
In spite of these factors, she was unequivocal in her desire to do this for our daughter, for our family and for me. All of this happened without a moment’s consideration for her own feelings or needs.
I cannot express just how much this has meant to me, and how it embodied in a literal sense the sentiment of what I consider true-love to be.
This may seem trivial to those who read it, and for my own part (as someone who loves to fly), I cannot begin to understand just how much personal resolve it must have taken for her to put aside her fears, to not even consider herself or her own feelings before making and following through on the offer to do this for my daughter and for me. It is for reasons like this (and many others) that I know that I have someone who truly loves me to call my wife. I know that this feeling is mutual, and that I would do anything I possibly could to ease her life and to put her needs and desires ahead of my own wherever I could, just as she does for me.
Having thought about it further, I believe that this applies in all relationships where love plays a role. The same basic principle, of knowing that one person in a loving relationship would do anything for the other, unconditionally is what sets apart those relationships as truly loving. I know that this is how I feel towards my kids, my parents, my sister, my wider family and my friends. I further know that I can rely on this from those people in return. It’s unwritten, unspoken and embedded within the relationships. It doesn’t mean it’s taken for granted. But it’s through the process of that love growing and flourishing that the trait has emerged in each case over time.
True love is borne out of a relationship between two people who can mutually rely upon each other in every circumstance, come what may. Each feels naturally driven to put the other person first and to do whatever they can to ease that person’s passing through life, however and whenever they can.
In the context of my marriage we have our ups and downs just as much as any other couple. At times we bicker, we disagree and we forget our adult-selves and act as kids, letting our standards of behaviour and conduct towards each other slip a little.
What brings me inner-peace and comfort though, is to know that regardless of what happens in our lives, around us and between us, I have the true, unconditional love of another person to rely upon. I also know that she can rely on the same from me.
That, in my view is what love is.