Photo by Jimmy Dean on Unsplash
My Mom started crying on our video call.
Both my parents were lamenting to me about their relationships with my sister. I’d spent the last year in the Philippines, away from my family completely, and I missed them dearly.
“It’s like we’re always annoying your sister,” my Mom said. “She snaps at us all the time out of nowhere and we walk on eggshells around her.”
It made me sad. I grew up in a household where we were all very close. Me, my brother, my sister, my mother, and my father — we were all we had.
I remember when my siblings and I would have sleepovers together. We’d pull our beds into my sister’s room and quote movie lines dangerously close to midnight. We laughed so hard that my parents had to tell us to go to sleep already.
Over the years as we all went off to college, we lost a bit of the glue holding the family together. It seems my brother and sister became more interested in their wife and husband. It’s understandable, and I’m happy for them, but over the last five years I’ve seen them become distant to our parents.
Despite me living 10,000 miles away, my relationship with my parents has never been better, and I believe it’s for two key reasons:
- I’ve forgotten about their mistakes.
- I constantly remind myself that we’re all heading towards the grave.
Maybe that’s a bit morbid, but it’s helped me look past a lot of B.S and it’s done wonders for my relationships. Let me explain.
We All Make Mistakes — Especially Our Family Members
My girlfriend’s mother was hard on her. I’ve met the woman a few times and she scares the heck out of me. Despite that, I’ve had a lot of fun hanging out around her, and I’ve tried my best to look past the stories my girlfriend tells me.
For one, my girlfriend grew up with her grandparents in the province. Her mother got pregnant at 20 years old out of wedlock, and in the Philippines that can sometimes be a source of shame for people.
Rather than be a single mother, my girlfriend’s Mom sent her to live with her grandparents when she was very young.
According to Lara, she met her Mom for the first time at twelve years old. Imagine that.
Despite that, she still cares for her Mom and tries to please her.
I’ve seen kids working in the street in the Philippines because their parents are so poor. I’ve seen strong family ties here, too. The Philippines is exceedingly family-oriented, and it seems that all decisions are made through the lens of the family.
Lara has been able to look past the mistakes her mother made. In the end, I think it’s healthier for people to forgive and forget. It takes a lot of would-be poison out of life.
Everybody Is Going To Die One Day
It feels stupidly obvious to write this, but our time with family is limited.
It feels like I’m the only one looking up at the clock at the basketball game.
To Have Better Relationships, Forget The Past And Understand We’re All Headed For The Grave
Thinking about the inevitable death of those around us is probably not a healthy thing to do 24/7. For some reason, as I approach 28 years old, I’ve had nights where I stay up until midnight contemplating my existence. The movie of my life plays in my head. I’m shocked at how old I am. I’m shocked at how little I’ve done, and I’m shocked to finally grasp that someday I will die.
Through these harrowing experiences that keep me up until the early morning hours, I emerge enlightened, grateful, and nostalgic.
Sometimes all it takes to appreciate someone you love is to move 10,000 miles away from them. Constantly living between my parents, siblings, and significant other has been a wild ride. I can never give enough time to all of them.
But that’s not the aim now, is it?
Like Gandalf says, “All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you.”
Will you spend it angry? Will you have an edge with people? Will there be tension in the air that poisons the experience for everybody? Or will you look at things from a height of 10,000 feet and understand how delicate every moment is?
If you do the latter, you’ll have much more positive, happy, and overall meaningful experiences with the ones you love.
Forgiving is hard. Forgetting is even harder. After 27 years of living on this earth, I’d take forgiving over holding a grudge any day of the week. It makes you feel better, it makes the other person feel better, and every interaction from there on out starts on positive ground.
Do your best to forget and to understand the finality of life every chance you get. If you do, your relationships will take on an entirely different color.