The things I learned while parting from a narcissist
Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash
Inrecent days (okay, months) I felt compelled to keep up with developments in the last days of Trumpism. I watched from afar, an incredulous Brit who could not believe the daily dramas of democracy and overt gaslighting that were playing out across the Atlantic.
I genuinely find it disturbing. It seems impossible to contemplate that such events could ever be witnessed here in the UK, just as I’m sure the average American wouldn’t have believed it could happen there.
But happen, it did.
In trying to make sense of things it occurred to me recently that the closing days of the Trump administration must have felt much the same for America as I felt a few years back — weathering the dying throes of a horribly volatile and toxic relationship as it ended and she finally moved out.
It happened many years ago —life has moved on. But the things I felt at the time and the lessons I learned in the process often still feel fresh, raw and relevant.
I wonder if those same lessons and assurances might help those trying to imagine or hope for a better life after Trump?
Think of it like a breakup — like you’re escaping a particularly unpleasant relationship with a deluded and aggressive narcissist.
Here’s what it might help to remember now and in the months ahead.
They’ll never admit fault or complicity
It’s clear (or as clear as anything you might be able to interpret from a serving of Trump’s word-salad) that he’ll never admit fault or take any kind of blame for anything he’s done or said as President. As a through-and-through narcissist, he’s incapable of seeing himself as anything other than flawless.
In his short speech on 12th January, shortly before heading off to inspect his wall in Mexico (another triumph), he described his speech immediately prior to the Capitol riots as “totally appropriate”. Nobody will be surprised by this.
He was speaking off the cuff and couldn’t be choreographed via a teleprompter to show the least bit of humility or compassion. Instead it was pure, spoken from his cold heart — in his mind, professing love for the protestors running amok in the Capitol building having killed a police officer was totally justified. As was inciting and encouraging their violence and aggression in the first place.
I learned through my breakup that it was futile to hope for anything other than self-righteousness and indignation from the other person. She felt as though her every action and word had been flawless, pure and reasonable. Everything she’d done in the relationship was beyond question or judgment.
I hoped that with our parting she might soften a little and finally, with nothing to lose, admit that she was at least partially at fault for things breaking down.
Alas, it’s not in the narcissist’s power to make such statements. They’ll look back on all the things they did right. All the things they said that were totally fair and reasonable. All the ways that they were wronged, misunderstood and under-appreciated.
Their world-view will trump (pardon the pun) reality and we may as well accept that.
Give up hopes of justice or retribution
I understand the drive for impeachment, removal from office, the denial of social media privileges and all the other measures that have been discussed or implemented. While there’s a danger of darkening the early days of Biden and Harris’ new start with impeachment proceedings, it seems right and just that there should be consequences for the events of the last few days and indeed the last four years.
If I had to bet though, the measures that are enacted will end up fizzling out to nothing or will quietly fade away into oblivion within a month or two, regardless of how vigorously they’re being pursued today.
In a few months we’ll see Trump back on social media one way or another, even if it’s on his own platform. If he’s prosecuted then I doubt it will lead to his imprisonment.
Even if justice is served and Trump and his cronies end up in prison, I doubt it will make as much difference to the healing of the USA as the passage of time will make.
When my relationship ended and she finally moved out of my house it was a bittersweet experience. Aside from knowing the pain I’d brought about for all involved, there was the cost — both financial and emotional of it. I’d had to rent a new property up front for her, paying 6 months rent in advance as she didn’t have a job (nor had she for much of our relationship). I set her up with all the comforts I could afford, even filling her fridge with groceries on the day she moved out.
She had a diamond engagement ring (did I mention we’d been engaged at one point?) and promised to return it on the day she moved — she never did. That would have recouped some of the cost, but instead provided a final knife between the shoulder blades and gave me even more anger and bitterness to process.
In later months I discovered many other possessions she’d taken and refused to return including the spare key to my car. Each discovery served up fresh feelings of anger and injustice.
While I concocted scenarios where fate might dish out justice or retribution, as time passed I realised that it was futile. I concluded that any moment I was thinking about what had happened was keeping me in the past and making me feel bad. The only way forward was to simply forget about it all.
Karma will return justice or it won’t. Either way, the only reasonable course of action is to move on and forget. Forgiveness is optional, but recommended if only for your own sanity.
They’ll keep telling their story (and they’ll be both the hero and the victim)
When Trump moves forwards with his next venture or one of his minions picks up where he left off, you can bet that the tales told of the past will cast him as a hero, a visionary, an inspiration and ‘the best president ever’. Those who stood in his path or treated him with contempt will be cast as villains and losers. Those who remain on his side will be held up as heroes.
Even worse, the stories will become ever more exaggerated over time.
It grates for those of us with a shred of decency and a foot in the real world but it’s a fact of life. No amount of protesting, objection or fact-checking and correction will have any effect.
When my relationship was over I knew with certainty that I would have earned my place in her backstory. Her past was filled with a litany of those who had treated her poorly, let her down and played a part in her life being the shit-show that she felt it was — all down to others.
I had to accept that I would be added to that list and my perceived inadequacies and so-called misdemeanours would be shared with anyone who might listen.
My only consolation was to acknowledge that anyone who knew me wouldn’t listen to her anyway, and anyone who might believe her narrative was inconsequential to me or my life. It’s the only way of being able to move on with life — to be content that you and those you care about know the truth and aren’t swayed by lies or bluster.
Accept the wasted years as a lesson
Most of those who are lamenting the Trump years now were probably expecting the worst from the moment he was elected. Having been forewarned or prepared for the worst doesn’t necessarily make it easier to live through.
As we all reflect on the last four years it must be with a sense of incredulity and a little despair. Notwithstanding Covid-19 it feels like the world is now far worse off than it was four years ago — in terms of climate, economic imbalance and instability and political unrest amongst many other measures.
Any despondency though must be directed towards learning and taken forwards as lessons for a brighter future if any good can be salvaged.
I certainly played my part in making that relationship unhappy and dysfunctional — it wasn’t all her fault. I’d like to think though that regardless of where she is now and whatever she’s up to in life, that she’s learned a little and gone forward to make a better life for herself than she had with me. I certainly have.
After exiting that relationship I underwent counselling and a process of learning, healing and self-reflection. I was determined that before getting into a relationship ever again that I would work through my flaws and issues and get myself straight before involving myself with anyone else.
Roll forward many years and I’m still a flawed human being, but far more self-aware and self-reliant than before. I’m also happily married in the most enduring relationship of my life and largely contented with my lot.
The experiences of that relationship prompted me to do the work necessary to live a better future — that in itself was the best way of getting something out of a time that would otherwise have seemed like a waste of time and a lot of hardship.
America can do the same in recovering from the Trump years.
Don’t lose faith that things will be better in future
In spite of what he may believe deep in his core, few would disagree that Trump leaves the USA (and the world) far worse than he found it — aside from a hugely inflated stock-market bubble that is ripe for popping, there are few positive effects for him to point at and take credit.
The beauty of such points in life though is that the only way is up. It sounds glib to say, and it is on some level. But it’s also true.
Biden’s presidency won’t just be about undoing all the damage that Trump has done, nor will it be that easy. But he must consider it rich-pickings as he inherits leadership of a country that’s ready for positive change on so many fronts?
When I got over the failure of my relationship, those around me whose counsel meant the most were quick to point out all the ways in which life could now improve. I had a clean slate and plenty of time to rebuild and recover in a way that suited me. It prompted the healing and encouraged me to put in the work necessary to bounce back.
Just as I got back on the horse and took control of my life, Americans will once again be able to get their country back on track, enabled by a compassionate leadership and a unified desire to heal.
Focus on what’s ahead — not what has happened
With Biden now installed as President there is plenty to look forward to. The last four years of Trump have left a lot of damage to be repaired and deeply held feelings of anger and despondency among those who could see through his narcissism from the beginning. But now, with him out of the White House for good, impeachment or not life will enter a new era.
It was only by exiting a particularly nasty relationship and purging its effects from my life that I could free myself and eventually rebuild. Large scale changes are made through one action, one step and one day at a time and as these compound upon each other, the USA and the world will heal.
It just takes time and a desire to move forwards, not just lamenting or regretting the past.
To stretch the breakup analogy one last time, at least you haven’t got to fight the urge to check up on Trump and see how he’s doing in social media any longer!
Here’s to healing and moving forwards.